I forgive you

Dear Me,

I forgive you. I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for every time I might not have eaten healthily or done the best for my body. All the times during my eating disorder, and every time afterward. I forgive myself for having an eating disorder. For consuming nothing but water and then stuffing myself until I was sick. For the times in high school when I would eat five packets of microwaveable instant oatmeal, one after the other, at three in the morning.

I forgive myself for blaming myself when I was sexually assaulted. I forgive myself for being there; I couldn’t have known. I forgive myself for liking boys with girlfriends, liking boys who didn’t deserve me, liking boys who stamped my heart.

I forgive myself for having sex with boys I didn’t really like. I forgive myself for using sex as my only way of communication because I didn’t know how to love others and I didn’t know what to do about my body. I forgive myself for lying and for not being true about my feelings to myself and others. I forgive myself for not being able to tell him how I felt for five years. I forgive myself for not being as honest and as open as I wanted to be.

I forgive myself for hating myself. I forgive myself for the little white scar on my right wrist that I inflicted on myself in eighth grade. I forgive myself for all the other scars I made, etched into my skin, that have since faded into the fabric of the past.

I forgive myself for not being perfect. For not getting the perfect scores. I forgive myself for giving into the pressure of trying to be perfect and punishing myself with food.

I forgive myself for taking laxatives. For binging on junk food until my heart started racing because my body didn’t know what to do with the food. I forgive myself for scratching myself in the throat with my fingers. I forgive myself for not taking care of my body.

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I forgive myself for depriving myself of sleep in the past. I forgive myself for choosing to abuse my body sometimes. I forgive myself for not resting when I needed to.

I forgive myself for stealing food. For stealing food from my roommates and my friend’s roommates and any food in any shared refrigerator I encountered when I was in the middle of a binge or even when I wasn’t. For stealing food and never mentioning the fact that the reason why some of the cookies or ice cream went missing was because of me.

I forgive myself for eating animal products sometimes, knowingly, ignorantly. I forgive myself for not asking sometimes whether there’s butter or milk in something because I just want to eat a certain thing. I forgive myself for not always eating perfectly vegan or perfectly healthy or perfectly raw or perfectly anything.

I forgive myself for sometimes eating food that I know I won’t enjoy, just because it’s there. I forgive myself for putting into my body things I believe to be harmful or unhealthy. I forgive myself for all the times I chose to eat until I was sick.

I forgive myself for sitting on the kitchen floor crying and drinking tequila from the bottle when I was 16.

I forgive myself for every time I didn’t have time to do what I loved or gave into resistance not to move my body even though I knew it’d make me feel better.

I forgive myself for not really knowing how to connect with other people and really care about and love them for the longest time. I forgive myself for avoiding human connections and not knowing how to be a friend.

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I forgive myself for ever thinking I was ugly and disgusting.

I forgive myself for the weekend in January that I binged on donuts and pizza and cookies and ice cream and then became bedridden-sick for the next week and a half. I forgive myself for the times I just didn’t feel like I belong in this physical shell. I forgive myself for the week in March when I just ended up feeling bad about my body and the dozens of donuts I forced into my system. I forgive myself for eating what I don’t even like.

I forgive myself for ever shaming my own body at one point. For ever engaging in “fat talk.” For actually internalizing the comments of my parents when they told me I was fat or ugly or stupid or anything else.

I forgive myself for being absolutely terrible to that boy who liked me in ninth grade. For being selfish and stupid and for playing games with him and making his life miserable. I forgive myself for being stupid and hurting people sometimes.

I forgive myself for lying, for not being open, for keeping secrets. I forgive myself for going through other people’s stuff and not respecting their privacy. I forgive myself for going through the pantries at my best friend’s house in high school when she was asleep and eating her family’s food.

I forgive myself for trying to have sex with an ex a month after I broke up with him out of self-pity and depression. For leaning on him and depending on him because I didn’t know how to take care of myself.

I forgive myself for not knowing how to take care of myself. For depending on others. For being needy when I was lonely. For not knowing how to love myself for so many years of my life.

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I forgive myself for identifying with my body for so long, with this shell, not realizing that my appearance and my physical body really are not me. I forgive myself for every time I felt bad based on something external, something that wasn’t really me.

I forgive myself for not always knowing what is right for me. For not always doing what’s best for me, even when I know the right path. I forgive myself for being ignorant and silly and stupid sometimes. I forgive myself for making mistakes. I forgive myself for not making mistakes and being paralyzed with fear. I forgive myself for all the times I didn’t act when I knew it was better that I should.

I forgive myself for every time I gave into that voice, that voice of resistance, the lizard brain, fear. I forgive myself for every time I didn’t do something because of fear. I forgive myself for procrastinating and for not doing my work. I forgive myself for avoiding the true passions and purpose of my life for so long. I forgive myself for being blind and asleep.

I forgive myself for blaming myself for so long. For blaming myself and not knowing why I felt so guilty, so shameful for just being alive.

I forgive myself for not forgiving myself for certain things until now. I forgive myself for not letting go of certain things until now. And I forgive myself for all the things I forgot to forgive myself for.

& I forgive myself for forgetting sometimes. Forgetting to breathe. To relax. To love. To just be.

& I forgive myself for giving myself a hard time sometimes.

Hey, lovely…

I forgive you for everything.

Love,
Me

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