This is an excerpt from the Letter.
What I’m realizing (because it seems that’s pretty much all this life is for me, an endless stream of epiphany) is that I’m still recovering. Not from trauma, or “disorder,” or “abuse” or “assault.” Not even from heartbreak.
I’m not recovering from, I’m recovering in the active. I’m recovering my heart, already broken open, that I tried to mend together with suppression, with anesthetic. Anesthetic in the form of food. Anesthetic in the form of mindlessness.
I was thinking about drug addicts the other day. I wondered what makes the difference, that I have to face the possibility of addiction day after day, because what I was once addicted to is something I have to do every day if I want to live.
I’m recovering all the feelings I once upon a time locked away.
I feel like maybe, we all have to. That “growing up” didn’t really mean growing up, but running away from the real essence of living: feeling how we truly feel. Instead, we learned how to run away from it and pretend to be “grown-ups” at the cost of our own humanity. We learned to be scared, to fear ourselves and fear other people, to pretend that everything was okay in spite of our own brokenheartedness.
We learned… to shut off our hearts, to close them up tight, so that we couldn’t even love ourselves or empathize with ourselves, let alone love each other, love others, understand that everything we go through is something we all have to go through.
What did we give up to “grow up”? What was the cost?
Growing up and shutting off our ability to feel?
Growing up and learning to fear the exciting realm of possibilities that enthralled us as children?
Growing up and refusing to let go enough of our hang-ups and baggage in order to truly love ourselves and everyone else?
What is this “growing up” costing us now?
If you’re ready to step into the fearlessness of your warrior self, join the Letter.
Speaking of recovery, I wrote at Voice in Recovery yesterday about why I binge.
Get on the list for more goodies (something special’s flying in next week!).