When we think of what we’re thankful for, we usually think of the good stuff: life, love, family, friends, abundance, shelter, sustenance… and on & on,the list goes…
And I’m thankful for that. Everything.
But I’m really thankful for…
The depression. The sadness. The suicidal thoughts. The heartbreak, over and over again. The splintering apart of my wooden-glass-menagerie-fake heart. The unrequited love. The violence. The assault. The aftermath: lonely, desperate, vulnerable me. Hurting, bleeding me. Complete vulnerability, in both a good & bad way.
The “bad” relationships. The toxic ones. The disrespect, the hurt. The breaking off & careful mending of friendships. The times when I was so terribly needy & dependent, without an ounce of self-respect or self-love. The middle schoolers who tore my spirit apart for my haircut, my clothes, my face… the color of my backpack.
The me who tore myself apart for my own body, my own mind, my own soul.
The self-hatred. The insecurity. The eating disorder.
Every binge, every stomach, head, & body ache. The nausea. Every unhealthy food crammed down my throat in fear & suffering & desperation to anesthetize. Every tear… every lack of tear because I had been so numbed I couldn’t even cry anymore. The flood of tears that broke out when I learned to cry again.
The loneliness, and then, the solitude. The days when I didn’t see or speak to a single soul, and I felt terrible about it. The days when I didn’t speak to a single soul, and I felt glad for it.
The lies. The symphony of disappointment. The untrustworthy. The broken promises.
The extreme isolation of a single spirit, lost & alone & confused & without any support or community or friends… & the reason to start learning. The journey, the constant journey. The bittersweet moments. The rejection. The criticism, the negative remarks. The negativity. The failures. The wrong choices that turned out, in the end, to be right. (They couldn’t be anything but, if they led me here.)
All my mistakes.
Today. & All the mistakes I made today.
I’m thankful for faults, flaws & all.
I’m thankful that life constantly challenges my will, day after day, minute after minute.
I’m thankful that I experience not just the great stuff, but the kind of terrible stuff, too.
I’m thankful for every moment, & its eagerness to teach.
I’m thankful for every lesson learned.
(And learning and will learn and on and on and on…)